Emmett In a Box
by LivLifeForever
Summary: One Game Show. One Emmett. One Box. Rated T for some language and themes as well as absolute insanity.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Disclaimer. I do not own Twilight or it's characters. (If I did I would not make a story this ridiculous.) but i did own Jacob in a parking lot fight. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this collaboration between me, LivLifeForever and the lovely -Miss Book-. So, I present, Emmett. In. A Box.**

* * *

Emmett: What? Where am I? How did I get here?

Game Host Voice Coming From A Speaker On The Wall: You signed on. It's a reality show.

Emmett: I don't remember that?

Speaker Voice: The knockout solution that we gave you might result in some memory loss.

Emmett: Knockout…I can't be knocked out. I can't even sleep!

Speaker Voice: Why can't you sleep, Contestant 72?

Emmett: …

Speaker Voice: Would you like some more knockout solution?

Emmett: NO!

(Wait)

Emmett: Where am I?

Speaker Voice: Please be silent 72, Challenge 1 is about to begin.

Emmett: Challenge? What?

(Wait)

Speaker Voice: Identify the fruit.

Emmett: What fruit?

Speaker Voice: The soundclip has already been played. Please no questions.

Emmett: I didn't hear! Play it again! Please! Come on, there mus-Wait! Fruits don't make sounds.

Speaker Voice: Fourteen, twelve, eleven, thirty, fifty-five, nine, seventy-two, incorrect. Rest, correct.

Emmett: This is crap.

Speaker Voice: For all who were incorrect, two weeks added.

Emmett: Added to what?

Speaker Voice: Your stay.

Emmett: How long is that?

Speaker Voice: Two weeks longer than before.

Emmett: How long was it before?

Speaker Voice: Do the math.

Emmett: What math?

(A piece of paper with a math equation falls from the ceiling)

Emmett: What's this?

Speaker Voice: The math.

Emmett: What? OK….(does the math) What does this have to do with me?

Speaker Voice: That was challenge two. You failed.

Emmett: 2+2=4! What kind of a question is 2+2? How could I get that wrong?

Speaker Voice: Two weeks has been added to your sentence.

Emmett: My sentence? Like jail? Rose is going to kill me.

Speaker Voice: Death is not an option.

Emmett: What?

Emmett: Are you still there?

(Silence)

Emmett: I'd like to hear my options then.

Speaker Voice: There are no options. Please, wait until challenge 3.

Emmett: I-…fine.

Emmett: 99 bottles of pop on the wall, 99 bottles

(97 Bottles Later)

Emmett: 2 bottles of pop

Speaker Voice: SILENCE!!!

Speaker Voice: Challenge 3 is about to begin in 3…………2……………1………..Contestant 72, don't kill the kitten.

Emmett: Ok. This shouldn't be too bad.

(Kitten walks into the room, and cuddles Emmett's feet)

Emmett: Hey there kitty. What's your name?

Kitten: Meow

Emmett: Nice name. I'm going to call you Meow Meow.

Meow Meow: Meow

Emmett: Half way there…

Meow Meow: (Jumps up on Emmett and knocks him over)

Emmett: What the F#$!#&!

Speaker Voice: Contestant 72, one week added to your sentence for inappropriate language.

Meow Meow: Meow

Emmett: This is bullcrap. I'm getting out of here. (Starts to claw at the wall)

Speaker Voice: Three weeks added.

Emmett: Waaaaaaaah!

Meow Meow: Meow

Emmett: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! YOU'VE BEEN OF NO HELP TO ME.

Meow Meow: (Starts to claw at wall and makes more progress than Emmett did)

Speaker Voice: Contestant 72, stop setting a bad example for Miss Meow.

Emmett: Oh, so that's her name. Sounds like something Alice would name a cat.

Miss Meow: Meow Meow

Emmett: Meow 3 times if you want me to _**change**_ you.

Miss Meow: Meow

Speaker Voice: Contestant 72?

Emmett: Yes?

Speaker Voice: Food or Toilet?

Emmett: Guns.

Speaker Voice: Miss Meow?

Miss Meow: Meow

Speaker Voice: Food or Toilet?

Miss Meow: Meow Meow Meow

Emmett: (Runs up behind and bites Miss Meow)

Miss Meow: (Attacks Emmett. Bites Emmett)

Emmett: You can't bite me! I'm a va-…

Miss Meow: Meow?…..

Emmett: Va……n repair man.

Miss Meow: Meow

Speaker Voice: Contestant 72?

Emmett: (sighs) What now?

Speaker Voice: Would you like to try to fall asleep, have us knock you out with knockout gas, or us to start to shooting you with those guns you and Miss Meow suggested earlier?

Emmett: What kind of a question is that?

Speaker Voice: Multiple choice.

Emmett: If I choose knockout gas, then I have no idea what you're going to do with me, but if I choose guns, then I know what you're gunna do, and I know it's not good. I don't know what's worst. So………..I choose knockout gas.

Miss Meow: Meow Meow Meow

Speaker Voice: Very well.

(Wait)

(Wait)

(Machine guns start shooting into the room from the previously un-noticed reward chute.)

Emmett: (Lies down flat on the ground hoping to not get shot.) AHHHHH! I said GAS!

Miss Meow: Meow

(Guns keep firing)

Emmett: HALP ME!!!! ROSE!!!!!!

Miss Meow: Meow?

Emmett: My wife.

Miss Meow: Meow (Insert here a sad smilie and a broken heart symbol)

Emmett: What? You loved me? Then why did you order to have me shot?

Miss Meow: Meow Meow

Emmett: By the way, I don't speak cat.

Miss Meow: Me Neither.

Emmett: Wait- Yu sprekenz ze Eenglish?!?

Miss Meow: Not as well as you (SARCASM!!)

Emmett: Why didn't you say something, in English, earlier?

Miss Meow: You weren't dreaming earlier.

Emmett: Waaa……..

* * *

**End A/N: Well, that was the first chapter, I hope you enjoyed it. It may seem far-fetched, but that's what makes it fun and random. What else is a crazy obssessed fan supposed to do? Also, Big thanks to Howie Mandell. We wouldn't have this amazing story if he were the least bit successful as an actor. So Thank you Howie, Thank you.**

**QUICKLY PRESS THIS BUTTON BEFORE IT DISSAPPEARS!!! V**


	2. Chappie 2

Speaker voice: CONTESTANT 72! WAKE UP!

Emmett: I can FLY! I can FLY! I can FLY!

Speaker voice: Silence!

Emmett: Huh? Oh sorry.

Cat: Meow.

Speaker voice: You sleep-talk as much as Contestant 65.

Emmett: Who is that? Wait, th-

Speaker voice: Did I not say silence?

Emmett: **…**

Cat: Meow.

Emmett: (whispering) _shhh!… Miss Meow! You'll get us in trouble!_

Cat: (whispurring) _meow meow._

Emmett: That's better.

Cat: Meow.

Emmett: What are you saying?

Cat: Meow.

Emmett: (slaps forehead)

Cat: (Jumps on Emmett, knocks him over, then curls up on his lap.)

Emmett: oooookay. (*cuddles*)

Cat: Meow.

Emmett: 3 I _wuv_ you too.3

Speaker voice: Contestant 72. Identify the pun.

Emmett: My sanity?

Speaker voice: Incorrect.

Emmett: The lack thereof?

Speaker voice: Incorrect.

Emmett: The fact that I am being pummelled by a kitten?

Speaker voice: Incorrect. Please return Miss Meow through the reward chute.

Emmett: NOOOOOOO!!!! ( holds Miss Meow close)

Speaker voice: Contestant 72. You are losing your challenge…

Emmett: *sniff* fine. Goodbye Miss Meow. *sniff* I'll miss you! *SOBS*

Cat: Meow Meow Meow.

Emmett: (puts cat down chute)

Speaker voice: Congratulations! You have completed your first challenge successfully.

Emmett: Yay! (dances)

Speaker voice: As a reward, would you like one phone call, or one visitor?

Emmett: How long would each be?

Speaker voice: Phone call= 1 hour. Visitor= 30 minutes.

Emmett: I choose a visitor.

Speaker voice: ( a rose is thrown into the room through the reward chute)

Emmett: Huh?

Speaker voice: It's your wife.

Emmett: HEY! I meant Rosalie! I'm not married to a plant.

Speaker voice: Time begins now.

Emmett: So…… How ya doin'?........You..uh… come here often?

Speaker voice: **…**

Emmett: What am I supposed to do with this?!?!?!

Speaker voice: **…**

Emmett: Na na, Na na na, Na, Na, Naaaaa…..

Speaker voice: Na. Na. Na. Na.

Emmett: What do you want with me?! WHY AM I HERE?!?!?!

Speaker voice: I'm sorry. I shouldn't've intruded on your romantic moment with your wife.

Emmett: MY WIFE ISN'T HERE!!! Couldn't you at least have sent a person?

Speaker voice: You are unhappy with the reward?

Emmett: Well, frankly, yes.

Speaker voice: You ungrateful hoe.

Emmett: (gapes)

Speaker voice: Interesting… So you're saying that you _don't_ have sexual feelings for your wife.

Emmett: I do. But this is not my wife. (trying to keep his patientce.)

Speaker voice: We are legally required to ask your permission before we give you medication for your delusional state.

Emmett: No, you may not!

Speaker voice: (the room starts filling with delusional state medication gas)

Emmett: I- hey! I…I s-smell…thaaaaaattttt….. (collapses)

Speaker voice: Interesting. You seem to be responding strangely. I should go tell the product developers that this version doesn't work either.

Emmett: Am I ssshome k-kind uf ex-pear-i-mint or stuufffs?

Speaker voice: Congratulations! You have finally successfully completed challenge 1.

Emmett: The fruit was an ex-pear-i-mint?... Yay!

Speaker voice: Incorrect!

Emmett: What?!?! Do I still get a reward?

Speaker voice: No. Two Weeks.

Emmett: Damn.


	3. TROISIEME! Chapter

Speaker Voice: Are you awake contestant 72?

Emm: No. Go away.

Speaker Voice: No. It's breakfast time.

Emmett: Uggghhh....

Speaker Voice: Take the bowl from the reward chute.

Emmett: But I don't want it.

Speaker Voice: You must be very hungry.

Emmett: I am, very much so.

Speaker Voice: Would you like some bread?

Emmett: Are you asking because you're serious, or because you like to see me in pain.

Speaker Voice: Neither, I'm asking because it's a segway into the next challenge.

Emmett: Oh! Well far be it from me to stand in your way.

Speaker Voice: Your next challenge is to cook a meal on the stove behind you.

Emmett: That's funny. There's no stove behind m- WHOA! Where the hell did that come from?

Speaker Voice: 3......2......1......GO!!

Emmett: Well, I'm sure as heck not going to eat anything you could cook on a stove, so I'll just make a flame thrower.

Speaker Voice: Ha ha ha! Like you could build a flame thrower.

(One half hour later)

Speaker Voice: What is that? What did you do to my oven?

Emmett: It's a flame-thrower. I'm going to escape at last!

Speaker Voice: Wha- No! Don't do that!

Emmett: Ha Ha! If you don't want me to do it, it must be awesome. (Tries to torch the nearest wall.)

Speaker Voice: NO!

Emmett: (Wall catches fire and he goes to the next one.) YES!

Speaker Voice: If you don't stop now there will be consequences.

Emmett: psh! What do I care how many weeks you add to my sentence? I'm bustin' out!

Speaker Voice: If you don't stop, people who you care about will be harmed.

(A rose is thrown through the reward chute)

Emmett: That. Is. Not. My. Wife.

Speaker Voice: You're in denial.

Emmett: What? I've never even been to Egypt.

Speaker Voice: What?

Emmett: Denial. De Nile. Da' Nile. The Nile. River......In Egypt.

Speaker Voice: That was lame. Two weeks added.

Emmett: Aw man! I-wait. I'm supposed to be breaking out. (restarts setting fire to things)

(From behind the reward chute door a faint 'MEOW' can be heard)

Speaker Voice: Send us the fire devise and no one gets hurt.

Emmett: (Stops momentarily) Miss Meow? (Hopefully) Is that you?

Miss Meow: Meow. Meow. Meow.

Emmett: You sickos would hurt a kitten?

Speaker Voice: Well, you would be the one hurting her. Technically.

Emmett: OKAY!!! OK! I'LL STOP!

Speaker Voice: (Silence)

Emmett: Can.....can you send her back to me.....please.

Speaker Voice: Put the flamethrower in the reward chute.

Emmett: Alright. (Does so)

Speaker Voice: Here's the cat.

Miss Meow: (Walks out reward chute, jumps on Emmett, knocks him over)

Emmett: Aww! You crazy loveable little rascal, I've missed you so much. (Hugs miss meow)

Miss Meow: Meow.

Emmett: Woochie-Woochie-Woo! Woozie-Wuzzle-Wuzzle.

Speaker Voice: We thought we should tell you, we're going out to dinner to celebrate successfully handling a dangerous criminal with a firearm. You'll be here tonight alone, so we've decided to leave you a first aid kit so you can deal with your wif who you've stepped on several times. Have a good night. Sleep well.

Emmett: Seriously?

Silence

Emmett: Wow, they're really gone Miss Meow.

Miss Meow: Meow

Emmett: I always thought that they/it/he/she was some kind of omni-presence that never leaves.

Miss Meow: Meow

Emmett: I think that this is finally our chance to escape.

Miss Meow: Meow Meow Meow.

Emmett: Are you in?

Miss Meow: Meow. Meow-meow MeowMeow. Meow.

Emmett: Great! I knew I could count on you.

Miss Meow: Meow.

Emmett: Okay, first we need to work out some sort of communication system.

Miss Meow: Meow-MeowMeow.

Emmett: No, I don't know Morse code.

Miss Meow: Meow(rolls eyes)

Emmett: Do you even know what I'm saying?

Miss Meow: (Evil stare)

Emmett: Sorry.

Miss Meow: Meow. (Collapses at Emmet's feet)

Emmett: Oh, yes. I forgot, you're a cat of sorts.

Miss Meow: Meow-Meow.

Emmett: Yes, I'll rub behind your ears.

Miss Meow: Meow

Emmett: (rubs ears and belly)

Miss Meow: Hiss.....

Emmett: (Gasp) What?

Miss Meow: Meow Meow.

Emmett: Did I hurt you or something?

Miss Meow: MeowMeow

Emmett: I'm sorry.

Miss Meow: Meow!

Emmett: Oh, then why did you hiss?

Miss Meow: (Licks tummy) Meow Meow

Emmett: Is it like your "private square"?

Miss Meow: Meow

Emmett: Oh. Sorry. That's......awkward.

Miss Meow: Meow...........

Emmett: You wanna play scrabble or somethin'.

Miss Meow: Meow.

Emmett: Yay!

Miss Meow: Meow-Meow. Meow. Mueow. Meeeeoooow.

Emmett: Wow, that's clever.

Miss Meow: Meow

Emmett: Okay, my turn. S-T-O-O-P-I-D. Seven letter score.

Miss Meow: Meow? Meow. (Jumps at Emmett and knocks him over)

Speaker Voice: Ha ha! You're so dumb, and you got knocked over by a kitten.

Emmett: You know, add a few more weeks onto my sentence. The only thing that could make this more entertaining was if Bella was here.

Miss Meow: Meow?

Emmett: Oh, just this hilarious klutzy human.

Speaker Voice: Don't talk about my Bella that way!

Emmett: WHAT?

Speaker Voice: Gotcha!

Emmett: Whoa, I thought you were Edward. That would've sucked.

Miss Meow: Meow?

Emmett: My bro.

Miss Meow: Meow (Runs in circle and chases her tail)

Emmett: Hey, that looks like fun! (Chases Miss Meow's tail)

Speaker Voice: The end is near.

Emmett: I know! I've almost got it.

Miss Meow: Hiss


	4. Chapter 5?

Miss Meow: Meow-e-ow-e-ow Meow Meow

Emmett: Very…Melodic?

Speaker Voice: You must now resist the Sharpies.

(A 24 pack of Sharpies lay on a stack of paper on the table behind Contestant 72)

Emmett: It's like the challenges are just becoming easier and easier!

Speaker Voice: Phase two: Protect the Sharpies.

Emmett: …From?...

Miss Meow: Meow Meow (Hypnotic stare in her eyes, staring at Sharpies)

Emmett: Ummm…Miss Meow? Stay. You don't me to lose the challenge, do you?

Miss Meow: Meow (Turns away from Sharpies and lies down)

Emmett: *Phew* Thank goodness.

Speaker Voice: Would you like a log?

Emmett: Of wood?

Speaker Voice: Yes…

Emmett: Should I?

Speaker Voice: There's a surplus of them even after we gave them away as door prizes at the Christmas party, _and_ put the legal maximum amount in the food we've been-

Miss Meow: (Quickly gets up and jumps at the Sharpies, opens the package, and draws (HOW!?!?!?) three pictures of artichokes.)

Speaker Voice: Oh my.

Emmett: I-Wha-Mi-WHY ARTICHOKES?!?

Miss Meow: Meow

Speaker Voice: Oh, by the way; two-three weeks.

Emmett: What? You can't decide.

Speaker Voice: Five then?

Emmett: Damn it.

Miss Meow: Meow. (Jumps up on Emmett, knocks him over, and cuddles in his lap.)

Emmett: Hey! You said you weren't going to use the Sharpies!...Or, at least, I _think_ that's what you said.

Miss Meow: Meow (Draws (STILL HOW!?!?!?) an artichoke on Emmett's forehead)

Emmett: (Sarcastically) Thank you. That's- yes. That's exactly what I wanted from this experience.

Speaker Voice: Oh my God Miss Meow! You ruined his life FOREVER! Those are PERMENANT markers. He's going to have to live with an artichoke on his forehead for the rest of his life!

Emmett: What?!?!? No, even permanent marker comes off if you use the right cleaning solution.

Speaker Voice: It's not called 'An _Almost Permanent_ Marker'.

Emmett: But paint stripper gets rid of everything!!!

Speaker Voice: Including flesh.

Emmett: But I don-

Miss Meow: Meow

Speaker Voice: You're correct Miss Meow, this argument won't make good TV.

Emmett: Am I on TV? (Looks around for camera and smoothes shirt.)

(Out of the ceiling, a bucket dumps green goo on Contestant 72.)

Emmett: (Insanely hopeful) HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! So I've been "Punk'd"? And that's it? (Chuckles nervously) I can like, go home now and stuff?

Speaker Voice: The end is near.

Miss Meow: Meow.

Speaker Voice: I know; I've used that line before. Oh, by the way Contestant 72; No you can't. Two weeks.

Emmett: *Sob*


End file.
